The Smile I Hide Behind

 


   

    I too often hide behind a fake smile. I do not even mean too. But it's like I do not know how to talk about my feelings. I open my mouth but the words don't come out. Besides, people don't understand until they've been through it themselves. They think as long as you are smiling you are happy. I don't know about you, but that has never been the case with me. The bigger my smile, the more I am broken inside. But life does not have to go on that way.

    Jesus is there. I know He is. But these past couple of days have been especially hard. Rejection wounds me more than anything. I don't know why I take everything so seriously. But I do. Maybe it's because I've never been good at anything. I never had a special talent that made me feel good about myself. All throughout my school career, grades were everything to me. I did not get bad grades. I actually got good grades, but if one quiz went awry, I was in tears. I simply felt as if my worth was determined by my GPA.

    My parents did not help much. My mom told me that it was the fault of my study habits, and my dad, well, he was not so involved in my life as he was in his hobbies. When he did have something to say to me, it was to reproach me for my ungratefulness. Though, I always tried really hard to be grateful. It was just not enough for him. He made a pretty good salary. I do not know how much because my parents never discussed such things with me, but we had plenty of money. My dad is a good man, very generous too. But he always complained about having to spend his money on his kids. He would spend it on other people without giving it a second thought. But I still hear about the things he gave me as a kid or the money he saved for me during my childhood in a Roth IRA. And I did and do appreciate it, but he always made me feel like a business investment. If I failed, then he had wasted his money. And that's all I was to him. A failed business investment.

    But my worth is not determined by those numbers which dim in the light of God. God is my father now. He takes care of me. I am never alone even when I feel like it. Jesus does not make my struggles go away. But He walks through them with me. The peace He brings with him is worth more than all of the money in the world. It is even worth more than a report card full of A's. Don't do like I did and sometimes still do. Don't let your worth be determined by other people or standards they set. You are a person not a number and most definitely not a business investment. You have worth simply because you were made by and are loved by a perfect God. He is the only one who can truly set a price on you, and He decided long ago that you were the worth the blood of His one and only Son, the Perfect King. You don't have to do anything to pay Him back. It was a free gift, no strings attached. Accept it.